Greased lightning: Mr. B was patroling thehousecoffeebar.com to see if there were 75 or 750 calories in the vanilla latte when he happened upon a shocking mystery right there in the grand room where church services are held on Saturday nights. Holy whodunnit? Find out April 30 from 7-10 p.m. when the House Coffee Bar presents “Slippery When Dead.” We’ve got two tickets that include dinner (be careful with your knife), coffee, dessert and the show.   Artistic license: How come art exhibitions have such long titles? How do you get all that into a headline? For example: Now exhibiting through May 30 at the Amon Carter Museum is American Moderns on Paper: Masterworks from the Wadsworth Atheneum Museum of Art. The exhibit showcases some of the finest watercolors, pastels and drawings by avant-garde American artists working from 1910 to 1960. Go see it; everybody always gets in free at the Carter. So what’s the giveaway? How about the exhibition catalogue, which allows you to take home the finest watercolors, pastels and drawings by avant-garde American artists working from 1910 to 1960.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK       Tony Stewart, driver No. 14 for Office Depot/Old Spice Chevrolet, swapped racing and hospital stories with Texas Motor Speedway President Eddie Gossage at the annual Chamber Day at the Speedway luncheon last week, held at the Speedway Club and presented by – can ya guess? – Office Depot. Mr. B’s own Southland Property Tax Consultants was a platinum sponsor, too. The weather was bright and sunny Thursday for Qualifying races and Midway activities after the luncheon.     Sponsored by

Tattoo'd or tutu’d? During Main St. Arts festival, did you notice the poster for BODYART at Bass Performance Hall? Yes, next Monday, starting at 8 p.m., free tattoos for ...wait, wait. Jason Wise calling from Bass Hall. Oh, it's a dance troupe? Founded by director/choreographer Leslie Scott, a TCU graduate? And featuring dancers Allison Ploor and Felice Romero, TCU graduates? How did these athletes get past Gary Patterson? BODYART is a New York City-based dance company that creates original works of movement combined with technology and sound for a multi-media event. Jason has two pair of tickets for you to dance on over.

We’re cookin’: Mr. B wanted to keep this giveaway for hisoneself because the Chamber’s graphics editor (LT) betrayed B and Facebook photo-shopped him as a beast rather than a beauty. But alas, need to B kind or LT could cook up something worse. B, on the other hand, has Susan Cook-ed up this graphics grabber. Susan is an advertising whiz, a former association prez even, and her Cook | A Creative Consultancy is offering three hours of customized Photoshop training in your office.

Get SMART: We were bemoaning the frigid weather until late March and it won’t be days until we’re bemoaning the heat. Texas, my Texas! And now that we’ve got SMART meters installed or on the way, you better be just as smart. Derek Dickens at Air Rite Air Conditioning Company says he and his cool auditors can help with the company’s no obligation, energy efficiency audit. It usually costs about a month’s electric bill, but the savings will be worth it. We’ve got one to give at no cost, no obligation, so anything you save is PROFIT!

Get RICH: Those of you that have signed up have a rare opportunity to bond with investment genius during the Chamber’s Leaders in Business breakfast next Thursday. David Bonderman, who mostly speaks to college business students, is a founding partner of TPG, which makes significant investments in operating companies through acquisitions and re-structurings…significant as in $45 BILLION. Companies include Burger King; PETCO; Avaya; Harrah’s Entertainment, Energy Future Holdings (TXU); Neiman Marcus and Univision.

That Stings: The second in the trilogy of concerts -- celebrating the 2011 Super Bowl in North Texas and co-chaired by 3M’s lovely wife, Rosie -- features Sting May 22 at Winspear Opera House in Dallas. A lone remaining grackle told Mr. B that the third concert performer would be announced that night, and the concert is at Cowboys Stadium Friday Sept. 10, the opening NFL weekend.

Dog her: Attorney Kelly Decker at Decker Jones wants to start a people/dog walk run for charity (bring your own scooper bags). Bark at her if you’d be interested.   Dog me! Not bad enough that Miserly Mistress bosses Mr. B around at work, but now she is going to take over a committee for Camp Fire USA First Texas Council that he serves on.   Doggedly good: W magazine's Opera Chic picks the top five productions in American and European opera houses until summer and No. 3 is Fort Worth Opera's Before Night Falls, which falsettos next month.

Pigging out: Carlo Capua always touts mom Janet’s chicken salad at Z’s Café, but last week she fed Chamber Gold & Preferred members a chipotle pork tenderloin with raspberry chipotle sauce that was to die for. It’s not on Z’s menu, but maybe you could get a special, catered order. BTW, anyone know how many tenderloins are in one pig? 

A little night music: Jennifer Higdon is the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra’s 2009-10 composer-in-residence. And the winner of the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for Music. So, Mr. B dropped by the FWSO offices to see what a non-Roxanne Pulitzer looks like. Not here? Hmmm? PR pops Trish Ciaravino explains: "She lives in Philadelphia, but, as composer-in-residence, has spent quite a bit of time in Fort Worth. We performed four of her pieces during two concerts this season and she was here both times, meeting with students, donors, and audiences as well as the Orchestra ... Being able to work with a composer of her stature even before she won the Pulitzer Prize, but especially now, says a lot about the artistic quality of the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra and Music Director Miguel Harth-Bedoya."   Sock it to me: Mr. B is proud to report that during the last 21 wash & dryer cycles, covering 14 months, he has matched socks 100 percent.

Bill’s legacy: Bill Lively, Super Bowl XLV President and CEO, says he took the job because the last time the region did something this big together was D/FW International Airport, and “that was a shotgun wedding. I took this job because it’s historic and heroic.” Lively said he’d love to raise enough money to keep his staff together and let it morph into a North Texas Sports Authority.

Not so pretty: Mr. B and his editors are crying in their texts because Miss Young Professional and Visionary Lauren Turner, the aforementioned LT, is leaving the Chamber. She dressed up Newz-E-Letter with funny photos and Facebooked and Tweeted for us to make us old folks seem younger. She’s off to Balcom Agency to socialize with its folks.   Less power: The Naval Air Station Fort Worth Joint Reserve Base (NAS JRB) is getting a $7-million energy efficiency makeover, affecting more than 20 of its facilities. Expectations are for $14 million in savings and 34 percent less consumption.

Power to you: Sheri Owens, owner of Softext Plus, and her plussers are busy, busy. They secured a deal to provide promotional products to the NAS JRB for the Air Power Expo this weekend.

Coupon crazy: Hey, business people. You need to check out the Chamber’s member-to-member discounts and coupons at our website. Mr. B was planning a few years down the road and found a big discount for a hairpiece. There’s also food, catering, vision, business consulting (28% off), hotel and golf specials. You can add your specials for free - just login to Members Only.   Coupon mania: Sure wish new member Alexander and Associates - Cash Flow Solutions would offer a discount. Cash flowing to B at a discount would be nice.

Walk, don’t run: The Race to Joe’s, benefiting Samaritan House, had 2200 runners earlier this month. So much work it put Aaron, Samaritan’s race director, in the hospital. He’s better now.

Turnabout is fair play: Paige Hendricks Public Relations just joined the Chamber and is getting this P.R. itsownself. (Paige, this mention is valued at $722.40.) Sweet Sammies (bakers) and Sushi Axiom also are new members and for those mentions, Mr. B gladly will take Newz-E-Letter giveaways as trade out. (Note from editors: Please Don’t Feed This Shameless Animal.)

D.C. dancin’: A Chamber online poll last week -- Congressional Issues Pulse Poll – attempted to “quickly assess the general priorities and concerns of the membership”. About 91 percent of you had no pulse, but those that did flowed with opinions.

Question: Which of these congressional issues is the most important to your business, i.e., will most greatly impact your industry or your revenues? Which is second most important?

Answer: 

Other votes included issues such as education, regulation and the environment. Mr. B’s pay raise received one write-in vote from an anonymous respondent.

Chamber web wizard Lauren (LT) Turner is in Washington with chamberites and she’ll be Facebooking and Tweeting merrily through Congress and other visits.